Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
My name is Trisha and it's all you need to know to enter my story.
Even my name I've given to you isn't my real one, but in a world of a fantasy I live in, what's real, anyway?
The answer begins with a one, simple thing:





A silence.





Expresionless is a word that usually doesn't describe enough my attitude to a world. If you're a stranger you'll mostly leave me with an impression that I don't have any kind of feelings that can be reffered to as 'human ones'. It's hard to see me being excited or scared of something. It is possible, but even if that happens, it's caused mostly by some happening in my own imaginary world no one else has entry to. No one would even understand the rules on which this rotten and rusted world goes by.
But if you could ever see it, you would notice my soul which crawls a few feet back behind my body and all it is, it's a fire, consuming and burning everything behind itself.

People I met and who didn't try to get to know me better always said I have no feelings.

I won't react at anything unless I think it's polite to react. Talking is a waste of words. It's hard for me to be in any group of people and a group means even one more person being in a place except me.
You will never see me cry (the exception is a depression or maniacal state when I become 'expressive' to the highest levels of my personality) or laugh really hard. I may smirk viciously as I pass you by on a street, but it doesn't mean I felt anything special to you. I just smirked. It was probably caused by a never-ending train of artistic and dark thoughts going on in my head.

Here comes a point of what's a truly beauty in my rusted world. My system of beliefs or whatever you call it is too chaotic to ever try to explain it for someone from the outside and usually it doesn't make any sense for the others, but for me it is very simple and complex. You don't need to understand this ever-lasting hate and a sick love to my own heart which burns and burns and burns in the invisible flames every each moment of the eternity.

I don't really care if I'm dead or alive. It doesn't make any difference for a person who doesn't really exist. I'm not hurry to die, though, because it's the end of it all and if I had to choose between the flames and the emptiness I'll choose the flames.



Am I able to love?



The truth is, there are the times I am really unable to feel any feelings. I have thoughts, I have my observations, but I don't feel anything particular. In a state like this it's really impossible to break me, I think this is my defensive mechanism which evolved with a time.
If I really need to, I can turn off my emotions like it's just another option in a computer. The things of a past, that would normally hurt a person cannot touch me. That's why my friends who know me usually say I can't give a damn about anything. I really can't. I am unable to really and deeply care about anything unless I'm not on  one of my brain's mission.

If I say I care, it's usually me saying it, because I think it's what I should say. It may sound cruel, but it's true.

Some people can call me a monster. Something that isn't even a human.

But I'll let you to see a little bit more of my burning world.
Here I sit, curled and bored, watching the flames licking my heart.
Maybe it is rarely able to feel the feelings, but when it actually does, it explodes with a power that leaves people astonished. My love knows no limits, if I decide to let it out, it spreads around the whole universe, it's endless and oh, so beautiful!

But I'm prepared that people don't need my love to last forever. They may be intrigued with a girl with a cold eyes at first, but later they become simply bored and they leave. I don't care. I can't miss anybody, really, no matter how close we used to be. I miss only one person in my shattered heart of a child, and they're gone long time ago.

I'll leave without saying anything. My story ends with a same thing as it began:







The silence.
I think it's no wonder why there are quite many people writing about bipolar disorder and almost nobody saying a word about schizotypal personality disorder. I think we're just a bunch of very, very introvertic guys ^^'

But just for you, main information about a disorder served by wikipedia:

"A disorder characterized by eccentric behaviour and anomalies of thinking and affect which resemble those seen in schizophrenia, though no definite and characteristic schizophrenic anomalies have occurred at any stage. There is no dominant or typical disturbance, but any of the following may be present:

:bulletpink: Inappropriate or constricted affect (the individual appears cold and aloof);
:bulletpink: Behaviour or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar;
:bulletpink: Poor rapport with others and a tendency to social withdrawal;
:bulletpink:Odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behaviour and inconsistent with subcultural norms;
:bulletpink:Suspiciousness or paranoid ideas;
:bulletpink: Obsessive ruminations without inner resistance, often with dysmorphophobic, sexual or aggressive contents;
:bulletpink:Unusual perceptual experiences including somatosensory (bodily) or other illusions, depersonalization or derealization;
:bulletpink: Vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped thinking, manifested by odd speech or in other ways, without gross incoherence;
:bulletpink: Occasional transient quasi-psychotic episodes with intense illusions, auditory or other hallucinations, and delusion-like ideas, usually occurring without external provocation.

The disorder runs a chronic course with fluctuations of intensity. Occasionally it evolves into overt schizophrenia. There is no definite onset and its evolution and course are usually those of a personality disorder. It is more common in individuals related to people with schizophrenia and is believed to be part of the genetic "spectrum" of schizophrenia. "



And just for it to be clear - the fact I may seem emotionless doesn't mean I can't feel any emotions. I can. As any human do.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconoblina22:
oblina22 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I have SPD too. Nice to meet someone else who has it. 
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello! :wave:
Reply
:iconoblina22:
oblina22 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2014  Student Digital Artist
hi!:)
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
how are you?^^
Reply
:iconoblina22:
oblina22 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I'm good:) and you?
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm good too, a little sick, but I hope I'll get better :D
Reply
:iconamihisui:
AmiHisui Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I don't know much about the disorder... but this is very deep!
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :) It's not very known disorder.
Reply
:iconamihisui:
AmiHisui Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I hardly know any disorders:(...
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww, it's not like you have to know ;) I know quite a few because I'm a walking medical wonder XD
Reply
:iconamihisui:
AmiHisui Featured By Owner Edited Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're a very wonderful person this I'm sure!!!
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
aww, thank you :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconoverlordbubbles:
Overlordbubbles Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Fuck me that was wonderful. Simply breathe taking. I read this and it was like I could see your thoughts. I'm in awe of the imagery of your madness. I henged on every word. Please write more.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for your kind comment. It means a lot and makes me motivated to write more :)
Reply
:iconfoggypebble:
FoggyPebble Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2011
"If I really need to, I can turn off my emotions like it's just another option in a computer." Everybody can do that. This is a sign of willpower.
Reply
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
my counsler saids I might have this disorder but if I was 18 then I would be dignose with it.only 17 in a few months I will may be dignose with my dr.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I guess this disorder should be monitored, I read somewhere that it can turn into full-blown schizophrenia :| I have only treatment for bipolar disorder
Reply
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
yeah i know,but they dont monitored like they should.I hope it dont turn into full blown schizophrenia.
oh I see.do you have bi-polar with psychosis?
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I think, since it's quite a 'new' disorder they don't know how to really get to that >.> Like, my doctor totally ignored that.
You know, I don't know what's with that psychosis, maybe, when I'm off my meds I tend to turn into something really weird :XD: I only have diagnosed bipolar, after getting to the doctor when I was in a big depression
Reply
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
I cant believe your dr ignored you.what a jerk
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah, I had one good doctor who really helped me, but then I moved out to another city and this new one just feeds me with medication, she's even not that interested in how my life is going >.>
Reply
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
I see.that does suck.I had a dr like that,but now i got a good dr.hey were backwards.XD
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
heh, at least you have a good doctor now, it's important^^
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
yeah I hope they can help me before I go crazy.
yeah true
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I keep my fingers crossed for you :glomp:
Reply
:iconcrazylacey:
crazylacey Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2011
thanks
Reply
:iconrailrevo333:
railrevo333 Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wonderful piece, strange you didn't mention the crippling ruminations though.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much^^
I always write very spontaneously and I didin't pay attention to write down all major symptoms :) Maybe the next time I'll try to write something about it, 'cause true, it's one of those things I wonder how I could forget about too :D
Reply
:iconrailrevo333:
railrevo333 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
=) Very welcome, it's good to see another deviant dealing with SPD around.
Reply
:iconskylerthephoenix:
SkylerthePhoenix Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2011
I adore this piece, It's really good, and shows the reality of one type of mindset with someone with this disorder, and btw i adore all you Mello fans. Mello is godly :)
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much for such a nice comment^^ :heart:

Indeed, he is :)
Reply
:iconskylerthephoenix:
SkylerthePhoenix Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011
No problem ^^
Reply
:iconozannah:
Ozannah Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
:hug:

A tak w ogóle to jest bardzo ładnie napisane o.O
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
dziękuję :heart:
Reply
:iconkyonehilbert:
kyonehilbert Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ahhhhhhhhhh i found someone who can explain it yay yay cheer for us ignorance escaped at last.....hmm how come i have these symptom??!?!!
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I think everybody has some symptoms in the end, the problem begins when they're the main part of your personality and you can't live normally because of them.
Hah, I was really surprised when I was diagnosed with it, but when I looked out for it, it was like 'oh, whatever, it's me'. However, bipolar can be threatened. The doctors don't want to even touch my schizotypal thing, so I think it's just a think I need to carry on my own :3
Reply
:iconkyonehilbert:
kyonehilbert Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh I see. Yea that makes sense XD
Really?? Hmm yea I went to a psychiatrist once and he didn't seem to want to actually talk about my depression all he was interested in was making sure i didnt "hurt" myself and when i promised i wouldnt (crossed mah fingers i aint sure yet) then i stopped going.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
hah, yeah, how I know it! I think all shrinks are pretty similiar in the end :XD: Well, mine was trying at first to make me say anything, 'cause I came to him, announced 'it's you or I'm going to kill myself' and sat there looking at his posters :XD: he was making sure that if he prescripted me meds I wouldn't overdose them, 'cause my past suicidal attempts were all about overdosing. I promised I wouldn't, because overdosing is childish (but then I was so sick that I thought: 'but huhuhu, I have now more sophisticated ways of killing myself, like, jumping under riding cars :iconevilgrinplz: " )
So yeah... I think that in the end they're about checking out in which way you're screwed and prescripting right meds...
I keep my fingers crossed for you, too :glomp:
Reply
:iconkyonehilbert:
kyonehilbert Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
every single one of them, exactly the same. haha i didnt need to take meds i just pretended to gush over a friend that left me (that was NOT the problem) and i wish i had found something to take i always intended to overdose something as a form of suicide but i thought of a few better ways.........yea thats pretty much all they care about but i was acting so this guy really didnt do anything for me except make me think "oh hell i do not wanna be here" so i played happy and they all left me alone and now i just gotta work it out for myself and thanks.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I think that with overdosing is this problem that it might screw up your liver and stuff pretty badly if it happened to survive... and since I am a organs donor I would like to keep my stuff all good, for the others ^^'
but what I am talking about. Suicide is not a way. We must stay here to piss off people with our appeariance! :dummy: :heart:
It's hard to make it out on your own, but it is possible. It just takes more time :heart:
Reply
:iconkyonehilbert:
kyonehilbert Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hmm I see yea I thought about that once or twice.

Hmmm piss people off with my appearance...well not always with appearance, but i do enjoy pissing people off......okay. i get it.
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
<3 there's always some reason to find, even the silliest one :XD: ;D

<3
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmello-is-awesome:
Mello-Is-Awesome Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
hm...
Reply
:iconqueen-of-beers:
Queen-of-Beers Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
hm ;D XD :glomp:
Reply
:iconmello-is-awesome:
Mello-Is-Awesome Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
*huggles*
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconqueen-of-beers: More from Queen-of-Beers


Featured in Collections

Literature by colbalt-rain

Misc. by Maizuu

Typography,Stamps,+Other by deerrose6


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
August 3, 2011
File Size
4.3 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
646
Favourites
20 (who?)
Comments
58
×